Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.