COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone