Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone