Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Twitter fine art

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse