Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

You can’t outrun your problems…

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.