Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees