Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
spot the difference
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
What a year we’ve had this week.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
edward fingerhands
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Breaking news:
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food