Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.