Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING