Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore