Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

A ghost story

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence