Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

john wicks are toilet candles

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.