COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.