Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Got a light

some Old Testament wisdom

Ugh

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go