“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Choose your fighter
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.