Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away