Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

hmm conte-me mais

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors