Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too