Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!