Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
The USS B port
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else