Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.