Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it