Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do