Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?