Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.