Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”