Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Education is vital

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀