Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.