If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
This checks out
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
this could fix me
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.