Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?