[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer