[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
You Might Also Like
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My ideal weight is five million dollars
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.