Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no