Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”