Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON