Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

The Sun

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.