Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Trumpy Cat