Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over