Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude