Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Cashiers are always checking me out
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Have kids, they said
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.