Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”