Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.