Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*