Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Thoughts

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

#Caturday

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.