Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Nose

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified