Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Jesus Christ lmao

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.