Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*