Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

😂🖐️

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”