Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles