@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

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@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@dimplesticks

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

@bridger_w

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

@AlisonChrista

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@MNateShyamalan

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.