when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.