If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄