Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both