Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo