Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Spider-cat: No One Home

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning