Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.