cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My brain is a bad influence on me
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.