Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter