Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.