Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

I think the cat got the dog high.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

See..?

.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!