Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.