Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.