Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Hero horse inspires millions

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.