Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
181.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.