Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.