Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

choose your fighter