[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*