[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
me opening up to someone
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone