[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Barbie gone wild
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
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