Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.