COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.