cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
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Seems legit.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those