Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas