Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)