Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”