Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it