Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Gods work.

fair

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.