Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…