Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.