Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.