Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.