Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.